Why listen? Estimates are that people
spend 70% of their time communicating with others, and 45% of their
time listening. At the purely informational level, 75% of oral communication
is ignored, misunderstood, or quickly forgotten. Thus, a great deal
of information is lost.
The primary reason? Most people don't know how to listen, nor do they realize
that effective listening takes effort and concentration. There is
a great deal of difference between listening ... and waiting to
speak.
What to listen for? Free information, to be found in: ideas; choice of expression;
word choices; omissions; phrasing; mannerisms; intensity of feeling;
tone of voice; energy level; affect.
| don't
fake understanding |
the
speaker will figure out pretty quickly if you actually understand,
and will resent your pretending if you don't |
| don't
tell the speaker you know how s/he feels |
rather,
demonstrate understanding through attending and reflecting.
Keep the feeling with the speaker, and don't take it for yourself |
| vary
your responses |
there
is no one right response to a given statement |
| focus
on the feelings as part of the facts |
avoid
talking the other person out of their feelings because they
make you uncomfortable. Accept the reality of feelings |
| call
them what they are |
choose
the most accurate feeling word to reflect what you are hearing.
'You're upset' does not encompass the feelings of someone who
just broke a window slamming a door. |
| develop
vocal empathy |
don't
reflect back in a monotone to a person speaking in a loud, excited
voice, Match and pace the other's speech. |
| strive
for concreteness and relevance |
push
for specifics. Help the speaker get past global statements to
an accurate understanding of the current situation |
| provide
non-dogmatic yet firm responses |
give
the other person something to respond to |
| reflect
the speaker's resources |
summarize
and reflect perceived options as well as problems |
| accept
that many interactions will be inconclusive |
resist
the temptation to wrap up this problem before the end of this
interaction. This is life, not television. And life is often
too complex to afford many quick and easy solutions |
| communicate
empathy |
show
interest in the other and his/her problem. 'Feel with' rather
than 'sorry for' the other person. Be non-judgmental, but not
indifferent |
| stop
talking |
you
can't listen if you are talking |
| remove
distractions and avoid interruptions |
stop
phone calls. This situation is important to the other person,
and you can help by treating it with the respect deserved. |
| have
patience |
allow
time for silence. Don't interrupt. |
| don't
argue or criticize |
it
causes defensiveness. No one has to defend having feelings |
| ask
open-ended questions |
encourage
information-sharing, rather than asking close-ended questions
that promote defensiveness |
| be
ready, mentally and physically, to listen |
concentrate.
Listening is not easy to do. |
| be
aware of your own hot buttons |
to
the extent this situation 'pulls your chain,' you are not helpful
to the other party. Make sure your choices are made thoughtfully,
not automatically. |
| avoid
the listening traps |
there
are many ways you can communicate disinterest, which presumably
is not what you want to do: pretend listening; record-keeping;
sporadic listening; tuning out disliked speaker; giving up;
ignoring disliked messages; listening to argue |
