Family communication

Since you have to communicate, you might as well do it right.

To the public at large, lawyers don’t seem quite human. The abundance of lawyer jokes attests to that. But you are human. You bring to your family and professional relationships communication skills well-forged on the anvil of lawyering. But do your communicative skills and lawyerly temperament affect your family? Are there times when they become part of the problem, not the solution? And how can you, as a practicing attorney, help enhance your family relationships? Read on.

Family dynamics
A brief glimpse at how families work should give you a good idea of how your behavior affects your family. Think of your family as a small society, not exactly self-contained, but certainly not just a group of isolated individuals. Families have in-jokes, jargon, and unique, often nonverbal, ways of communicating with each other as well as the world around them. There are as many different kinds of families as there are people in them. Some families are very cohesive; others stress individual autonomy. Some families are flexible in response to change; others resist it. What people learn from their families is the essence of social behavior: how to interact with other human beings. And they learn it through communication, both as they do it and as it is done to them.

Rules to live by are created by each family. Repeated patterns of communication over time produce family rules. These rules make family life more predictable. They govern the what, how, and who of family life. What can be discussed? How are feelings and information shared? And with whom may these things be discussed? Uncle Sid’s gambling may be an off-limits topic. Children might not be told bad news. Some types of conduct might be out-of-bounds. Not infrequently, one or more family members will want to do or say or find out something that the rules prohibit. Conflict inevitably arises and problem-solving is needed. The solution may be simple enforcement or negotiation toward making a replacement rule. Obviously, when discussing the rules themselves is taboo, the conflicts may never be sorted out.

Implication
You are an active participant in the process simply by living under the same roof with other people. You need to be aware of how your behavior and approach to communicating affect your family members and their behavior. No matter how clumsily a family member may try to say something, no matter how silly the underlying idea, and no matter how well-intentioned your attempts to get the point may be, the only thing that a family member might get out of being cross-examined is an intense dislike for cross-examination and a resentment of you for doing it. Your communication choices, no matter how habitual, reflect patterns learned over time. And you can control them if you choose to do so.

Two approaches: Hard and soft
Two fundamental approaches to communication form the basis for most communication choices. Each is acted out verbally and nonverbally and each can do either harm or good depending on use.

The "hard" communication approach is directive, focused, and strategic.Verbally, this approach asks pointed questions in search of specific information, states opinions, shares ideas, and controls the conversation. Nonverbally, the hard approach includes tense, controlled body language, with direct, strong eye contact, crisp gestures, expansive use of space, and a generally dominant body posture. This is the kind of behavior you are likely to employ when cross-examining a witness on the stand, or deposing a hostile witness.

"Soft" communication, in contrast, is receptive and diffuse. Language includes open-ended questions requiring narrative answers, the use of questions more than statements, and non-argumentative response to information. Nonverbally, the 'soft' approach is relaxed, with eyes that look rather than stare, an open body posture, and relaxed gestures. You might use this approach with a friendly witness, most likely on direct examination.

Uses and Misuses. Each approach has its uses. The soft approach works well in the initial stages of information gathering and in relationships extending over time, where trust is an issue and non-threatening communication helps maintain the relationship. Later in the problem-solving cycle, when you need to reach particular objectives, the hard approach may well be the more useful approach.

Problems arise when you misuse either of these approaches. When a soft approach predominates, lots of information piles up, but no conclusion is reached. On the other hand, when a hard approach prevails, trust diminishes because control of the situation becomes such a central issue that power struggles emerge. A 'hard' approach is best used as a short-term strategy; it undermines trust and collaboration, both of which are essential to healthy family functioning. It is relatively easy to go from a soft approach to a hard one, but the reverse is not true.

Effective lawyering skills almost invariably amount to a mastery over the "hard" approach to problem solving. You have been trained and rewarded for controlling exchanges of information and for doing what it takes, within the bounds of ethics, to win for your clients. Anything short of that reflects a failure to adequately represent your client’s interests. You are, after all, an advocate. A hard approach readily leads to, and complements, a win/lose orientation to conflict.

Win/Lose Approaches

Joyce L. Hocker and William W. Wilmot, in Interpersonal Conflict (2^nd. Edition, 1985) characterize a win/lose approach as including:

• a clear we/they distinction between people rather than a we-versus-the-problem orientation;
• energy directed toward the other party in an atmosphere of defeat or victory;
• the issue is seen only from one point of view, rather than by defining the problems in terms of mutual needs;
• a defensive communication climate, involving evaluative, controlling, strategic communication given in superior and non-empathetic ways.

A win/lose orientation is appropriate in situations requiring control and when long-term consequences to the relationship are not important. Yet this approach can create problems in long-term relationships. As you know, getting a judgment and collecting it are two different problems to solve. People are less likely to support decisions when they feel they have 'lost.' The parent awarded custody in a divorce often experiences great difficulty in receiving regular child support payments. Thus, 'winning' is not enough, if the loser is left with the power to sabotage the victory.

Win/Lose and the family. Long-term relationships are an intrinsic part of family life, and long-term approaches to communicating are a must. In families, conflicts are not discrete events; they emerge and recede. Thus, 'winning' today, as a parent might through the use of an edict, only sets the stage for the unresolved conflict to re-emerge tomorrow. Ongoing, repetitive conflicts, over anything from food to friends to use of the car, are unresolved conflicts. The issue the family is arguing over becomes secondary to the power and self-esteem conflicts at the core of the argument. In this type of conflict, a win/lose approach is not only not helpful, it is damaging.

Win/Win Approach
An alternative win/win approach in this case will serve the family better. Its characteristics include:

• focusing on common goals of all people involved rather than on different goals or means of accomplishing goals;
• focusing on the common problem, not on the participants;
• having all participants expressing their needs and their ;interpretations of the situation without strategically withholding information;
• using consensus methods of decision-making, rather than avoiding conflict by voting, trading, or compromising; and
• using supportive communication behaviors (description, problem orientation, empathy, equality, and so on) and predictable, trust-supporting responses.

Attorneys are gaining an appreciation for the power of a win/win approach to dispute resolution. Many are suggesting mediation to clients as a means of resolving problems in a way that lets both parties support the outcome. In the family context, the win/win approach can provide great benefits to all – increased trust, willingness to collaborate , and mutual respect. For long-term relationships, this is a true "win."

Strategies for effective family communication
How to get there? The following strategies for communicating in families encompass both "hard" and "soft" tactics to use.

• Enhance family life, don't damage it. Effective family communication involves understanding what is happening in the family system as well as behaving in a way that helps rather than damages family relationships. Each part of effective family communication reflects a focus on the system, not the individuals, and the relationships, not the problems.
• Understand the patterns and the people. The place to begin in improving interpersonal communication is to understand the patterns that exist. All families develop patterns in the form of rules. Once the rules are understood, they can be renegotiated if needed. To learn about the patterns:
  • Set aside preconceived opinions about the situation and the people in it. See things as they are, not as you would like them to be.
  • Identify the negative communication patterns and work to alter them. Know what your own "hot buttons" are, that is, things that prompt you to react rather than behave thoughtfully. At the same time, pay attention to what sets off other people. In dysfunctional families, people consistently and deliberately push each other’s buttons for the sake of stirring things up;
  • Do not assume that you know what another person thinks or feels. Rather, ask the person and listen carefully to the answer. No matter how long you have known another person, she or he remains an individual capable of changing in perspective, approach, opinions, and feelings;
  • Make an honest attempt to understand ideas and feelings. Remember, they are not "good" or "bad," they simply are, and you can be sure they are influencing how you are getting along with other people;
  • Search consciously for clues. Identify family themes, jargon, verbal shortcuts, and rules as evidenced by sanctioned behavior. The first step to improving family relationships is to understand them.
• Look at the larger picture. Place the current situation in a broader context to understand family relationships and functioning. To do this:
  • Accept that change is inevitable in families and revise your behaviors as needed. Families get stuck in unproductive patterns when they fail to recognize and adapt to change;
  • Remember that communication both reflects and forms the relationships you have with members of your family unit. You cannot avoid communicating. You might as well do it as effectively as  possible
  • Understand that effective conflict management addresses two goals: solving the problem and preserving the relationship. Emphasizing either one over the other hurts the relationship.
• Employ a useful, not destructive, style. Some kinds of behavior have been identified as helpful to healthy family functioning. Anyone can adopt these behaviors, and those who do not currently know how to use them can learn
  • Be an active listener. Give others the opportunity to express ideas and feelings, without interrupting or criticizing. You can gather more information with your mouth closed than with it  open.
  • Use dialogue rather than monologue. Rather than say, 'Do it because I said so,' instead say, 'What can we do to solve this problem?'
  • Accept rather than interpret another’s behavior. Say 'I can see you are upset,' rather than 'You’re just jealous because…' Leave psychoanalysis to the professionals. Show respect for ideas.  Everyone has a right to hold a view different from yours.
  • Demonstrate appreciation for the effort others are making. It may take all the courage they have to stand up to you.
  • Speak positively. Tell others what you want, not what you do not  want.
  • Recognize the other as existing. Do not talk in front of someone as if they are not there, unless you are going to praise them. Do not ignore or interrupt. Do use touch appropriately.
  • Communicate congruently by matching verbals and nonverbals. Don’t expect others to guess which message is the real one when your words say one thing and your tone, volume, and body language say another.
  • Use personal treatment rather than impersonal. Don’t discount feelings. Don’t 'thing' the other.
  • Negotiate, do not bully. Remember that these are the people you care about, not 'the enemy.'
• Fight fairly. When conflicts arise, as they inevitably must, remember that solving the immediate problem is only part of the process. The larger goal is to maintain a healthy relationship in the future. Just because you can demolish your opponent in a conflict does not mean that you should. Among the things to do are:
  • Demonstrate commitment to resolving the conflict and preserving the relationship;
  • Accept responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts values, perceptions, and your contribution to the problem. It takes two to fight;
  • Be ready to change your own behavior to meet the other half way. Rarely is 'right' solely on the side of one party;
  • Make equal space for the other person in the conflict. Balance power. Mandated solutions rarely are supported by the person on the receiving end. 'Because I said so…' may stop the argument, but it does not solve the problem;
  • Be respectful with your family members. Use tactics that heal rather than wound. Focus on solving the conflict, not simply  'winning’;'
  • Narrow the issue to what is real, specific, and solvable. Vague issues or feelings and old grudges are not easily solvable; and
  • Communicate clearly with others. Use 'I messages' ('I feel…when you…because…') when possible. Inconsistent or incongruent messages muddy the water and raise the level of  conflict.
• Avoid fighting dirty. Nothing can poison the well as quickly as resorting to excessive, mean-spirited, and downright childish tactics. Some examples include: Hitting below the belt verbally ... Skewering an Achilles’ heel ... Employing overkill ... Reading minds without checking out perceptions ... Pigeonholing character or stereotyping ...  Utilizing passive-aggressive tactics, such as silence, absence, or pouting ... Attacking indirectly, for example, by telling a story that embarrasses someone in public ... Employing put-downs, sarcasm, and humiliation ... and Abusing physically, emotionally, or psychologically.
• Make rules first. Discuss explicitly the rules you want to establish in your family for how conflicts are handled. You should consider letting anyone call a family council to air grievances, listening without comment until the other person has finished speaking, staying on one issue, and stopping if it gets ugly. Problem solving should be the goal, not abuse.
• Take your family temperature daily. Make a point each day to find out how family members are feeling about themselves and the family. Include time to express appreciation for others, exchange information, ask for information, and make requests for behavior  changes.
• Promote health in the family. It is important to identify and arrest dysfunctional behavior patterns. It is equally important to replace them with behavior that increases family health and functioning. Here are some ways to do so:
  • Build self-esteem through respect, listening, encouragement, support, attention, honesty, forgiveness, sharing, and acceptance;
  • Avoid damaging self-esteem through abuse, ignoring, exploitation, rejection, sarcasm, indifference, shame, and neglect
  • 'Metacommunicate' with your family. Take time to talk about the process of communication in your family, and its effect on each member and the system as a whole;
  • Constantly check and recheck your communication. Ask for feedback on the effect of your behavior on others
  • Send clear messages to others and insist that they do the same. Be specific in your requests.

Conclusion

As a lawyer, you face a special challenge in communicating with family, friends, and even foes. You bring to the situation on orientation to conflict and relationships that focuses on real winning. The limitations of a win/lose orientation are apparent when its behaviors are applied to the family situation. In the family context, real winning is what benefits the family over time, not the individuals at the moment. You can add a variety of skills to the ones you already possess. These additional skills, which focus on long-term relationships rather than short-term 'wins,' identify and address the underlying issues in conflict. Effective communication is the result of concentration, attention to the details of daily life, caring and commitment to the relationship involved, awareness of the effect of your own behavioral choices on other people, and an ability to see the long-term as well as the short-term perspective. It requires both hard and soft approaches and skillful use of each. It takes hard work, yet the rewards are more than worth the effort.

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This article is based on a presentation the author made to the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Mary Bendelow is a practicing communication and trial consultant with a PhD in communication.

copyright © 1990. Mary M. Bendelow. All rights reserved. This article appeared in The North Carolina State Bar Quarterly, Winter, 1992, as a reprint from The Practical Lawyer, December, 1991.