|
Remember that
anger triggers fear -- and fear triggers anger.
Of what are each of the parties fearful?
|
Acknowledge
your own defensiveness in an honest and appropriate
way when people are angry. |
| Request
more negative information when people are angry instead
of shutting them off. Say 'I need to know more about that,'
or 'I didn't know you thought that. Tell me how you came to
that conclusion.' |
Avoid
issue expansion and personal attacks. Dumping your
gunnysack of pent-up gripes may feel good, but it does little
to address the present problem. Don't allow the other to dump
on you uncontrollably. |
| State
your feelings accurately, but in moderation. Don't
drop the bomb unless you want to start a war. Catharsis should
be reserved for intimates. |
Restate
and actively listen to the other person's interests.
Help him or her express the anger directly and appropriately.
Ask the other to listen, too. |
Avoid
defensiveness-provoking statements such as heavy
control talk and evaluation.
|
Acknowledge
that feelings are facts. Never say, 'You shouldn't
be angry.' It won't help and it is annoying. |
| Identify
the interests of both parties. Ignore statements of
position. Work toward common goals. |
Ask
for suggestions for solving the problem together. Initiate
collaborative suggestions yourself. |
| Use
productive negotiation techniques when the person calms
down. Until then, acknowledge feelings more than ideas. |
Arrive
at non-contingent agreements, agreeing to increase
your positive behaviors.
|
| Create
solutions in small steps. openly acknowledge agreements. |
Focus
on 'our' problem, not 'your' problem. |
| Open
channels of communication. use the phone, face-to-face
contact, more notes, more meetings. |
Break
a conflict into smaller, more manageable parts. Fractionate
rather than expand.
|
| Have
a present-orientation. Focus on the 'here-and-now,'
not the 'there-and-then' |
Allow
for gripe time. Venting feelings makes them easier
to handle.
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