Hot wings for the brave

For special occasions (like the Super Bowl, a bar mitzvah, the impeachment of a president), hot "buffalo" wings are great. But, too often they are weak, mild and non-threatening. This recipe solves those problems. But, there are cautions which must be observed or serious injury could result.

What Wings

To start with, the wings can either be baked or deep fried: Use small wings. Pigeons or dove work well, but chicken can be used if that's all the grocery store has. Gourmets prefer Tibetan hummingbirds.

If deep frying, heat the deep dryer to 375f (check with a thermometer) and add the defrosted wings slowly one at a time so as not to suddenly lower the temperature of the fryer. With about 15 wings in a 1 qt fryer, let them fry for about 8-12 minutes, then remove them and dry them on a paper towel to remove any excess cooking oil (some people recommend peanut oil instead of canola oil)

If using Tibetan hummingbirds, adjust cooking time to as long as it takes to be at one with the hummingbird.

Recipe for the Live-for-Another-Day Types

Mix equal amounts of plum jam and barbecue sauce, perhaps with a touch of honey, and brush over the wings before baking, 350f for an hour.

For those of the faint of heart, offer folks these wings with Bleu Cheese dressing and/or celery. That likely won't be enough if you use the next recipe.

Recipe for the leave-no-survivors types

Put Stevie Ray Vaughn or ZZTop on the Stereo.

make up the sauce: (15 wings) : In a small saucepan at low heat mix::

1/4 stick of margarine
1/2 tablespoon white Vinegar
1/8 tablespoon Cayenne pepper
several dashes of garlic salt
a dash of fresh ground pepper
1 teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon of Tabasco Sauce
3 Tablespoons of Frank's Louisiana Hot Sauce
1 Tablespoon of Grey Poupon mustard or (for English hot wings) one tablespoon of Coleman's English mustard
2 oz beer (keep the rest handy, you'll need it)

Heat just enough to melt the margarine, boil off some of the liquid and mix the ingredients - no additional heat is necessary (see below) Brush sauce on wings before baking, or provide as dip if deep frying.

Serving

Have available, if you are using the second recipe::

the rest of the beer (I mean the rest of the case, or the truck if it hasn't left)
a finger bowl for experienced but fastidious people
a face bowl for beard wearers (bathtub or toilet will do in a pinch)
a hose for first timers (snorkel helps)
paper napkins and paper towels (1 case each)
a phone with speed dial for 911

Cautions

No children under 18 allowed
No rubbing you eyes for any reason Physical restraint may be necessary (see "hose" above)
Don't plan on kissing your significant other, your host, the cops or anyone else for about 6 hours.
Jalapenos can be used as a mild chaser. Aloe plant leaves can be pureed in a blender and eaten just like Guacamole if needed, or just served in a bowl in which you place your face for about 30 seconds (see paper towels).
Ensure that there are no open flames in the bathroom (mood candles, etc).

Advantages

If you're stopped for DUI, expect that the breath analyzer will explode
You'll be left alone - very alone - to watch the Super Bowl
You're entitled to wear the purple heart ribbon
Wise people will cease to bother you about your opinion on subjects of any importance